i still love you all.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I'm chanting
"Glory Glory Man Utd" under my breath (as well as the Berbatov song i found on YouTube.
"Berbatov tov tov, he told City to fuck off...") and drawing little hearts all over Ronaldo's poster. Never disappointing as always. My Ronnie was in perfect form, Rooney came back after his injury with a bomb, Scholes is simply the best and Berbatov-tov-tov could have scored one more if only he wasn't offside.
T'was a great match that got me at the edge of my couch, despite the wee hours. It was great that Van de sar managed to maintain his clean sheet (after Foster ruined it all) and it was a joy to watch Fulham's keeper and defence crumble under my Red Devils strength. Five points clear on top of the league. Hah. Let's see Torres and his boys beat that.
Thank God for the guys in red; or else my mind will be filled up with some other unpleasant things that kept me up the whole night through. It was a heart-wrenching and disappointing kind of death knell. It was sad to know how you've tried so hard to help someone because you genuinely care, but your whole plan just backfired because instead of helping, you're hurting them instead, and when initially that something has got nothing to do with you, it suddenly became
ALL about you.
But alas, i could not change fate. Sure i admit that i have said less than nice things to another party about another party, but it wasn't said with the intention to backstab or kill you silently. It was said for realisation. It was said to show despite the flaws, the stubborn-ess and the attitude, I still care enough to want to help. It sure hurts me that my words was taken in as hypocritical utters, even though the only reason i ever had for stating all of that was to help resolve the issue between my two most favourite people in the world.
Maybe this is the one other thing Allah wanted me to see. Human nature is a complicated thing. Sometimes you're completely thrown in the middle of all these confusing things, you do not know or understand what is to be done. You've felt like you did not do any wrong, yet at the same time, you feel that it is all your fucking fault. Shouldn't have gotten involved. Should have trusted them enough to go through this as two strong souls. Should have accepted the fact i could not be a saviour, when all i'll ever known to be is a backstabber and hypocrite.
Still, i do not regret that things between them are no longer rocky. I do not regret caring and i certainly do not regret having a self-proclaimed satisfaction that i was able to help listen to their conflict / make them feel better, despite being far away. If me being known as a backstabber would make you feel better, then i'll accept the fact, no matter how grudgingly. If me being known as a hypocrite ensure that you guys are happy with each other's company with no more pointless arguments or fights, then that is what i'll be.
I'd rather lose respect than lose a chance to fix a broken kin/friendship. I care more about what they think of each other, than what they think of me. In reality, nobody can be trusted - friends, sister, brother, family, husband, boyfriend, fiancee. But trust and love and hatred; there is a very thin crusted line between them. I'm sorry that because of me, you are entirely convinced now how friends cannot be trusted.
My principle in life is - what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. so let others hurt you, but don't you ever hurt others.
So it's okay, i'm okay. Man Utd has made me feel better when i'm suppose to feel real bad. I'm sorry for hurting whoever that i've hurt in the course of my life for being too insensitive and for caring too much. I won't defend myself because i've feel like i've done what i'm suppose to do for the people i love.
So here it goes again - my disappearance. Will always be wishing the both of you happiness everyday and learning from whatever i've been able to teach you while i was still your mentor. Forget about me, if it hurts too much. I know i've lost your trust but trust me on this one thing - i never meant for it to be seen like that through your eyes, and i never had any bad intention for whatever i've said. I hope you see it.
Dear God, do punish me if this was really my fault.
